Monthly Archives: March 2013

Being Happy or Being Fickle: Flying

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flying dream

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Last weekend, I had another magical dream, again at my boyfriend’s house.  For about a month, I’ve been experiencing a major funk, and that weekend, I had reached a peak in that funk.  I think it was a culmination of The Change messing with my emotions, and being unsatisfied (to put it mildly) about many things in my life currently, mostly my job.

Logically, I knew I had many things to be happy about.  My emotions didn’t match that.  Hence the funk.  Then, that Friday  or Saturday night, I had a dream in which I flew.  It’s the first dream that I’ve ever had in which I’ve flown, and it was fantastic.  It started out that I just had to kindof get parallel with the earth and flap my arms a bit, and believe that I could fly.  Then once I got my flying mojo on, I swooped up.  As I swooped, I felt exhilarated, the happiest feeling in my life.  I was just overcome with joy to be alive and that’s what swept me up, a’ la Peter Pan style.

After a few swoops, I swooped up a tree and came to the top branches.  It was full summertime and everything was green.  I opened the branches and there was a wooden platform in the tree, with a little chest.  I opened the chest and dropped in some precious stones.  It was some kind of offering to the tree- a thankfulness that I had discovered flying and could get up there in the first place.  Then I flew down again.  Somehow while being up there a branch had become stuck in  my t-shirt.  I discovered it when I landed- it was little rose wand of thorns.  On the end of the wand were natural knobs that formed a cat’s face.

Since then, messages (posts on Facebook, on a poster in a classroom, in songs I hear, in TV shows) have been popping out to me regarding living life to the fullest, taking risks, and living your dreams.  Clearly, I should be enjoying the life I have as it is now.  And, I need to take the risks needed to live my life to the fullest in order to get away from the things that are frustrating me, and not be scared or unsure of my own skills.  I have a wonderful sweet boyfriend who has the tenderest heart, the smartest mind and who wants nothing but the best for me.  Besides which he’s a cutie with sexy legs and meltable eyes!  What more could I ask for?  This past week, my heart has re-melted for him and joined my logical brain in loving him.  I’ve also come to enjoy teaching again, despite the chaos of the last week.  I’ve rediscovered my inner drive to be the best teacher I can be.  That doesn’t mean that this week hasn’t made me tired- it has.  But I’ve been so much happier.

Fickleness happens.  Unstable emotions happen, especially during The Change.  It’s up to the logical mind to see things the way they should be.  Then it’s up to you to work on your heart to make it match your logical mind.  With the help of Black Cohosh and the willingness of my heart, I believe I’ve succeeded this week!  I do hope that this genuine love of life and the wonderful things in my life continues.

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Themes: Messages from Beyond, or Just My Weird Brain?

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theme pusher

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Ever say the same thing as someone else, at the same time, or start singing the same song at the same time as someone else?  Or start seeing the same kind of thing over and over again within one day, or one week, or a period of time?  Or think “That was one weird guy” and see someone that looks just like him on TV?

Some time ago- maybe last year or two years ago, I started noticing that images or concepts repeat themselves at me.  Yes, at me.  Maybe things just get ‘on my radar,’ maybe it’s marketing, or maybe they are ::messages from beyond.::  So, out of curiosity as a kind of paranormal experiment, I started keeping track.  I call them ‘themes.’

You may remember from another post that I was flooded with butterfly imagery for a while; I saw them everywhere, so much so, that I expected to see a butterfly image every day.  I started noticing other themes, such as:  I saw two turntables with paintbrushes making art while browsing the ‘net, and a child nearby starts singing “two turntables and a microphone.”  Is he psychic?  Am I?  What’s going on?

My theory is that there’s ::something (or someone) out there:: sending messages, and so far, if I’m being inundated with them, they have been positive messages for my life’s direction.  But that’s just a theory.  It could just be that I’m just noticing a bunch of things and my mind over obsesses, and over-interprets meaning into things.  It’s probably a pagan way of thinking to think “Oooh that must be an omen!”

No matter where the themes come from, it’s been fun to keep track of them and ponder “What’re the powers that be telling me?” Maybe you can help.  Here’s the latest ones that I’ve been keeping track of, since last November. Can you piece them together into a coherent message?  (I just had a flashback to Highlights for Kids…. what I just said sounded like it could have come from there!  Loved those as a kid!)

11/15/12 Wedding proposals

11/26/12 Grapefruit

11/26/12 Berries/fruit

Tripping others

Headphones

12-11-12 Anti-war

12-11-12 to 12-12-12: airplane cloud trails

12-12-12:  Asians

12-12-12:  generous moms/grandmas

12-11-12 to 12-12-12: Army/Navy

12-10-12 to 12-12-12: seals (the animal)

12-13-12 Horrible evil acts

12-15-12 Crescent moon

12-15-12 humble people changing the world/heros

12-15-12 Radio DJs

Blue butterflies

(last ½ of December): revival church meetings in fiction

Were-wolves and vampires (may be self-inflicted theme, not coincidental)

(lost track here a bit)

12-26-12 Admitting ones’ age out loud, perception of age

Holland

Las Tapatillas

Wee ones in mermaid costumes

1-21-13 (weekend):  Native Americans, Cowboys, and something else that I forgot! And Russell also (road signs) oh and cemetaries. Maybe that’s it.

1-22-13 haircuts (short bangs): Michelle Obama’s and mine (and Audrey Hepburn’s)

1-23-13 Octupi

Last week (2/8 ish)  Romeo

This week (2/11-2/13ish) – there were two that I’m forgetting! Durnit!

2/13:  I saw 6 butterfly imageries while in one thrift store.

Rape

Kismet

Yellow and red painted planes or helicopters

The Walking Dead or Dead something or other, zombie stuff

2/23 Spontaneously breaking out into song

3/3 Cars in process of being repainted- with different colors on different parts of them

3/5 identifying trees by their leaves

March:  birds.  1) baby feather on doorstep with dark heart shape at tip  2) a bunch of feathers hanging out on my living room floor like they belonged there… have no idea where they came from 3) Raven, huge, flying down to the pavement by my car which is in front of my townhome yesterday morning (on 3/6/13), squawking, and flying off.

..>><<..

Of course, I especially like the bit about the birds!  Is this a new imagery-flood going on, like the butterflies?  Is this related to the dream I had where my friend turned into a crow?

And, just for the record… just cuz I notice it or see several images of the same thing does NOT mean I like it.  I mean, babies in mermaid costumes?  What’s up with that one?!

Chrysalis Dormancy – Letting Myself Stop

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myself chrysalis

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For a long time now, I have been going through an intense transformation.  Mostly during last summer, I realized I need to live without all the little petty fears that I have been allowing to stop me from doing what I want to do.  That was the start of it.  Since then, I’ve been reevaluating many things in my life and being myself more openly.  I’ve kept a lot of my quirkiness or strangeness inside, have come to view it as beautiful, and have started to express it on my outside, much like a chrysalis being turned inside out to show its beauty as a butterfly.  Butterfly imagery flooded my existence; I saw them everywhere, mostly man-made: stickers, posters, decorations, images shared on the web, monarch butterfly dresses, and so on.  The universe was telling me I was about to go through this change, perhaps gently encouraging me to take the steps in the change.  I didn’t know at the time what all the butterfly imagery meant, until I’m looking back at it now.

I’m a Teacher of the Deaf.  Not only that, I’ve taken on the roles of Special Education teacher, and have regular teacher duties as well.  This school year has been extremely stressful for me (and not only due to all the roles- it’s been much more than that).  I’ve been left wondering if it’s always been this stressful and I’m more sensitive to it now, or if it’s truly more stressful than ever before.  I think it’s a little of both.  I poured my guts out to my boyfriend about it recently and in the outpouring came 13 years of suffering, of not feeling up to snuff as a teacher.  I can make mistakes in other areas of my life without any emotional scarring: crafting, interpreting, dancing, are all things I’m not perfect at; but the mistakes don’t get me down, they’re steps to a learning process or part of a creative process.  In teaching, mistakes get me *DOWN.*  I have a major chip on my shoulder when it comes to teaching, and though I’m sure it comes with the territory, I think it’s unusually large.  It’s a toomah, as Arnold Schwarzenneger said in some movie or other.

Many incidents this school year have been ‘nails in the coffin’ of my teaching career, and it depresses me.  Though, I know this is thinking like I’m the victim.  It feels like outside forces are making me want to give up teaching and I’ve gone through grieving steps:  anger at these forces, grief that I will miss what I love about teaching, numbness.  I believe I’m in the numbness stage right now actually.  But truly, it’s always what we do in the face of these incidents and it’s not a victim thing at all.  It just feels that way.  I believe it’s part of my transformation.  The outcome, I hope, will be a person who lives as she wants to live, and does what she wants to do.

During the past 13 years of teaching, I’ve often felt like I wanted to go into a different profession, but I stuck through it.  This year is different;  many things I used to just take, my guts are refusing to take any more.  I could get into what those things are another time- they aren’t the focus of this post.  The focus of this post is my transformation.  It’s doing a number on me.

The past few months, sometimes, when I’m over-stressed, I feel comfort in not feeling or moving, and I imagine I might know how a catatonic schizophrenic might feel.  I can’t say I do though, thankfully.

It might not help that I’m also going through what’s referred to in doomsday tones: The Change.  I may be more sensitive, and it may be contributing to my present emotional affliction- that of having a hard time feeling.  I’m sure that doesn’t make sense that it’s both, but I think I’m responding to the emotions being over the top with trying not to feel anything, if that makes any sense.  Black Cohosh was working wonders on my hot flashes, and I’ve stopped taking it for a few months.  I started again this morning with just a dropper-ful.  That plus trying to be more zen in my life are what I’m going to try to combat this sense of numbness.

When I was about 7 or 8 years old, sometimes after playing in the snow, I’d wind down and just lie in it, feeling warm in my snowsuit, and letting the snowflakes fall dreamily down towards my eyes.  I’d see the snow falling all around me, and be mesmerized by their dancing movements.  I’d lie still and peacefully, and let myself not even be there.  It was comforting.  I think it’s because the world seems to stop; it seems to hang and not move forward.  The busy pace of life which is sometimes fun, sometimes needs to stop. And we need to stop and be zen.

However, it’s become chronic the past few months for me and I need to be human again.  I’ve realized that though my inside seems to have stopped- stopped feeling, or get lost while feeling stressed about the future, I haven’t really let myself stop.  I’ve kept on doing something, almost all the time up until I sleep.  I work, I come home and plan for work, or I watch Netflix or do Facebook, and then as I go to bed I read until I sleep.

I used to meditate, and about 3 years ago, I tried to meditate at least once a day even if it was for just 5 minutes at a time.  I haven’t meditated for a long time.  Maybe a year or more.  Today, as I came home, it was getting darker, and the lights were off in my home.  I was about to turn on the lights, but decided not to, for a moment.  I looked toward the balcony and the small layer of snow out there, and, thinking I’d meditate, finally, again, I went and sat close to the balcony doors.  I looked out the glass and wrapped myself in a soft blanket.  Cars drove by behind a stand of trees in the distance, and it was like I was looking up at the sky at falling snow again.  After several deep breaths, I was able to sit peacefully and not mind the ticking clocks (which tick louder when it’s quiet- it’s a twist of physics we all know).  My mind turned off, to a peaceful zen, for a moment.

I wasn’t able to meditate, however.  But, baby steps.  I’ll try to at least stop for a moment each day and be at peace.  That will be a start. And in the tumult of transformation, I’ll let myself be dormant a bit, so I don’t go freakin’ nuts.  So I can become a feeling human being again.

Sitting in a Clay Fetish Bowl- a Dream

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I dreamed this dream while sleeping at my boyfriend’s house, two months ago.  After dreaming it, I sent this message to the two other women involved in the dream.  For the sake of their anonymity, their names have been replaced with Dancer and Horse Woman. This is what I typed to them:

fetish bowl dream

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I received from someone (as if being smudged for ritual) a lump of gray clay, already formed into a 1/2 inch thick disk. I tried to work it and it was stiff and hard to work. Several feet away, Dancer prepared the place for ritual by working deftly with the clay, flattening it and making it into a large bowl. Although I never saw myself giving you (Dancer) the clay, my impression was that those involved each brought some clay that contributed to the bowl. Then, as dreams do, time skipped and the three of us sat *in* the bowl. The bowl was hard and secure, and the night sky sparkled above us. I get the impression of a fire but didn’t see one. Dancer, I get the impression that you were leading in the ritual and that Horse Woman and I were hanging out on your invitation.   Horse Woman turned to me and told me with an air of anticipation of something rare that she was going to get a “natural tattoo” from Dancer and I got the impression that this tattoo was ‘natural’ in the sense of ‘magic in nature.’  Time passed as it does and doesn’t when you’re in a magical space, and Horse Woman turned into a crow. My arm was stretched out along the bowl as if my arm had been around your shoulders before you changed, and you (Horse Woman as the crow) love-nipped my hand. At first I reacted as if bit and then I realized it was a love bite, as in “you’re my friend.” I got the impression that you, Horse Woman, as the crow, were still just hanging out in ritual space, and had decided to hang out as crow. Then I woke up, before the ritual was finished, but I have the feeling that I woke up at the time I was meant to.

As it happens, I’m spending some nights at my boyfriend’s house. He lives with two roomates and we are all either new age or pagan inclined. His roomates have a book which drew me to it the next morning after the dream. It’s called Animal Speak by Ted Andrews. As I always do when encountering a new pagany/new agey book, I browsed it to see if what he said jived with my experience, and it did, so I came to trust what he said in the book. It looks like he draws from many different cultures for the book, with a Native American focus. If you know the book, I would appreciate your impressions of it as well. As I looked in the sections on birds, he described ‘fetish bowls.’ He explained that inside the (clay) bowl is ‘unmanifest’ as in the things unseen and outside the bowl is ‘manifest.’ It’s a way to commune or call to your spirit animals; put fetishes that represent your spirit animal in the bowl along with other items that can charge the fetishes while not in use, and when you take it out of the bowl, you are making the unmanifest, manifest; you are calling to the spirit of the animal.

I started to read up on crows but didn’t get far. I already know some things about crows and will investigate further.

The meaning I got from the dream was that, at least for myself, I need to manifest myself as a magical being and live in spirit daily. I also feel blessed after the dream as if already having been part of a ritual with you  even though it may have only been my own experience and not shared. I feel like I already am living as a magical being (and my awareness has been brought to this fact after the dream) and like I have been charged up like a crystal has been charged by the moon’s energies (though I don’t feel charged specifically by the moon, but by spirit guides).

The spirit animals that accompany me are monkeys. If you are interested I could tell you more about that. They didn’t come forth in the dream as “manifest” but they are always with me. They just weren’t represented in the dream. Perhaps the crow is calling to me, or perhaps it represents or accompanies Horse Woman.

Anyway, I would appreciate it if you let me know how this dream strikes you, and your own takes on it, especially if you got any messages for yourselves. At the very least, Horse Woman, meet Dancer, and Dancer, meet Horse Woman.

May the powers that be all around us bless you.