In some previous blogs, I talk about being inundated with butterfly imagery last year, and the feeling of being in a cocoon the last few months. This past week I have felt like I am starting to emerge.
Part of being in a cocoon is being dormant, not passionate, wrapped up in myself and my own experiences. I felt a bit of depression as well. Not that I was completely shut off from other people and not that I was completely heartless (the cocoon was not completely opaque). I was faced with some gut-wrenching choices that grew from the soil and muck of feeling overworked and the extreme opposite of being appreciated, and a lack of respect by superiors at work. In the other arenas of my life- friends and family- I am well supported by wonderful people, and I am very grateful for that.
The ordeal at work tore open old wounds, and I was back to re-developing a love of myself and who I am. I am still in the midst of re-developing it- I’m not completely free of that yet.
Ironically, though I experienced some added ordeals this past week, I feel refreshed as a person. I feel like I am breaking out of the cocoon. The skin of the cocoon has thinned and I can wrench my head and upper limbs free, and see and love the outer world. I’m not sure what it is that did it, or if it was “just time.” It may be that a recent meeting with superiors brought many things even closer to my inspection and I faced reality even more head-on.
Although I had decided months ago that I would resign from my current position, I hesitated to do so. I still haven’t done it, though I drafted a resignation letter last week. I plan to 1) figure out the correct steps to do it and 2) follow those steps in turning it in next week. It feels a little like the Fool’s card of the tarot deck: stepping gleefully over the brink of a cliff and into the unknown. Though this act of resignation doesn’t feel gleeful- instead, it feels …. resolute, freeing, a little gut-wrenching in the final goodbye of my current position, and final.
I’m not sure if it’s the decision to finally follow through with what I’ve known I need to do for months that is making me feel fantastic, or if it’s that I’m back in control of my life. It’s ironic, because with this step, I also lose control- I won’t be employed, at least (hopefully) for a short time. That’s the scary part. Why, in this economy, would I do such a thing? I will be doing it because I must. If I don’t, I feel that I will be failing myself, letting myself stay down the well with steep sides (and jeering hands like in the movie Labyrinth) and leaving myself in a place where I feel worthless.
I want to be clear for any critical and caring thinkers out there that I am applying for jobs as well as working on getting certification as an interpreter, which will likely open up more jobs for me, once I get that certification. It seems that it will take me a year or less of passing exams and honing my skills to get to where I want to be in that field. I hope that my perception of that is true! I also have money saved, that I can use toward schooling if that is needed and to live on.
It isn’t always so horrible at work that I feel like I’m in the well- sometimes I’m at the top of the well looking out, and sometimes I’m deeper down; but it often feels deeper down. My boyfriend, who I started dating 3 years ago, says I even felt it then, and that I would be oftentimes extremely stressed. That’s one wondrous thing about my boyfriend: he is a gentle reality checker for me. A gentle person holding up a mirror, ready to hug me and support when I react to what I see. It’s one of the reasons I love him.
The feeling of emergence is fantastic. I say ’emergence’ instead of fully being a butterfly, because I don’t want to assume I’m completely finished ‘baking’ yet, and because I have no idea what’s to come. Maybe the feeling really is more like I’m ready to stretch my wings; I’ve come out of the cocoon and my wings are still wet, so I can’t really fly yet. I feel friendly, open, passionate, and happy to be alive, and at the same time quite grounded. I hope this state of being continues. I am looking forward to flying, and yet am happy to be at the stage I am in.
Update: On further reflection, I will 1) talk with my union rep 2) talk with powers that be in HR and 3) make a decision on next steps. I may be ‘throwing away’ certain opportunities if I resign. We shall see.