The first time I posted this blog, it gave some people the wrong impression. So, this blog has now been edited to add:

I am usually like PollyAnna: happy, sweet, and stubbornly idealistic.  So, when I post a blog that seems to indicate sadness, or relationship troubles, people panic.  “Oh no, what’s wrong?” they say, reaching out for me with sympathetic arms and worry in their eyes.

I think they don’t know that their eyes and arms reaching for me (metaphorically) freak me out!  Not sure why.  Psycho-analysing that another day.  I do appreciate you friends who care and love me, I do! Don’t get me wrong.

The reaction of loved ones, however, told me that there was something in the following blog that misled people to believe something was wrong, which meant I need to carefully edit my words.

Disclaimer before reading:  My relationship is doing very well.  We are stronger than ever.  This post is about me, and my own self destructive tendency- however unwitting.  My mate, lover, wonderful Pan in the Flesh, has been steadfast and just plain awesome.

. . .

This time, this blog is short.  I know, it may be disappointing after such a long wait (this author imagines all of you subscribers waiting on the edge of your seats for the next installment of ‘what is happening in that Pagan Dork’s life’)!

Warning: long sentence ahead.  I didn’t want to break up all the friendly words from each other and cause them heartbreak.

Ever experience life being awesome, then all of a sudden it takes a nosedive, and you go through agony and trauma, then everything that has been wonderful appears to just crumble away and you feel like you’ve been left with nothing… then THAT’s over and it’s back to being seemingly awesome, but now, life has refreshed your memory of how quickly things can change?

Yeah. That’s where I’m at right now (edit: that’s how I felt about a month ago, when this blog was originally posted).  I’m in a tentative kind of happiness, grateful to be back and walking on the green earth again, but aware that at any moment, the earth may thin and I may fall through into a hole again.  It’s like, I’m aware that I’m in a good place, but I’m also aware that it may be very temporary and it could all change tomorrow. But right now I’m OK with that, oddly enough.  Maybe, ‘cuz I’m walking on the green earth! Feels pretty good (albeit fragile) at the mo’.

(Interjected edit:  please read those words.  I am happy.  It’s OK to realize impermanence.  Life and love is much more precious once this is realized.)

I’ve experienced several situations where I have had this realization of the fragility of my perceived reality.  But usually it’s because I’ve had rose colored glasses on, and then they’re knocked off my head.

This time, though, the roses have been my reality, and some kind of rose eating variety of pest-larva has gnawed at the roses from the inside, and maybe the larva has been there all along, or maybe this is a new thing.  I don’t know, maybe that’s the same as having rose colored glasses knocked off, but I don’t think so. I think I have awoken to a beautiful reality rather than taking off glasses that provided an illusion.

Anyway.

I have become aware that the rose-eating larva… is me.  I have, once again, been keeping myself from enjoying my life as it is, and enjoying the love I have and taking proper care of the loved ones in my life.  I have just been made aware of that fact; someone I had hurt unwittingly, bravely held up a mirror and let me see my own dastardly larvaness.

I don’t want to hurt other people, but it turns out that not taking care of my own loving needs, hurts the ones that I love.  Because then, I’m not taking care of their loving needs, either.  Funny how that works.  Well… actually, not funny at all. Pretty f’in awful.

Also, once again, I feel like a fool.  Like I should have realized this long ago and done more about it.  I nearly lost my wonderful life as it is, because I hadn’t been taking care of it. And now, I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be holding onto this wonderful life. Will it slip out from under me again?

So. This metaphor ridden author is now eating humble pie.  The pie doesn’t taste too good at first.  But it’s getting sweeter, because learning to be happily me, and to take care of those I love, is a wonderful thing.  Not just wonderful.  It’s essential.

Why does facing the things that block me seem so cumbersome and scary?  All it takes, is for me to ‘just do it.’  It’s like (metaphor again): that which blocks me seems like such a high wall, but it’s just my perspective, and if I walk forward a bit, I’ll see that there’s a break in the wall and that it actually turns to the right, like in a maze or a puzzle game.

          Ok, so that was a simile.  So sue me, grammar sticklers, such as myself!

So all I need to do, is walk forward.  Not to stay stagnant in my muddy waters (or inside the roses I’ve been eating), but to nourish myself with the lovely sunshine, air, and earth, in order to nourish those that I love.

So mote it be.  In other words:  May I follow through and Juuuusttt  DOoooo Iiitttttt. (Nike ad reference… I just like the Just Do It phrase so much.)

And may whatever powers/deities/totems/spiritual helpers/wise ones gone before us, help a sistah out.  Say thankya sai! (Dark Tower by Stephen King reference)