This past June, during a meditation, I received a message from divinity to “Go with the flow.” In the past months, I’m realizing more and more what this means for me.
I think I may be going through a kind of biological mating imperative lately. My psyche sometimes fights a slightly crazed feeling of “Must mate, now! Who’s next to try? Will it be you?” I hate that feeling! It is what it is, and I’m not constantly feeling it, thankfully. I also wonder if part of the feeling comes from remnants from being married (i.e. mated) already, and wanting that seemingly steadfast bond with someone again. Or, it could be those magical moments I had this summer that I just didn’t want to end.
But relationships are not constantly magical. We are not living and breathing and pooping rainbows all the time. For me, it wouldn’t be rainbows, but it would be starry nights or full moons. I love that energy, I love the ethereal connection I had, but there’s also the other parts of ourselves we need to consider. We are not completely astral, and if we were, things would be so much easier. We need to work and learn and feed ourselves. Our teeth chip or our cars which spew ick into the air may break down, but we are tied to these earthly things. We are not completely pure and evolved, either. We have jealousy, or feelings of abandonment. We (well, I; speaking for myself, here, but assuming I’m not the only one) are all dealing with these things in waves.
After those wonderfully magical experiences I had in June, the mundane issues came back. My life thread wants to bond and mate, but that’s not necessarily healthy, it’s like ‘Chill out, life thread!’ The other person I was involved with- that my life thread sought- isn’t ready for that and is sifting through his own issues. And I’ve come to realize that while my soul was seeking his, he’s not really seeking mine back, that I can tell (unless I’m totally oblivious to something or too impatient to wait for the signs).
I tried seeking other life threads through online dating. What a weird mental space that is! It’s like you’re shopping for other people, and they’re shopping for people, of whom you’re one of the commodities as well. Then you start connecting with someone, but it’s not truly connecting, or you think you do and it was a lie, ugh it’s so shallow and strange. Just strange! I’ve been on a few dates, and that concept of “Go with the flow” is back. No need for anything immediate to happen.
I’m cutting off that internet dating thing this weekend, as school’s about to start again. The whole arena kindof turns my stomach anyway, but I’ve met a few people and had some wonderful conversations in the process. We’ll see how it goes, no magical connections, but can you expect to constantly have magical connections? I wish! It’s a rare thing. (Update from 8/14: just had a second date with a guy I met internet dating and I stand corrected, I just had a wonderful, magical time with him!)
Go with the flow; it’s all about developing your own enjoyment of life independent of anything else. Being open to opportunities as they arise, keeping an open mind and heart, but not tying your own heart down or anchoring it to one possibility. That last bit is what I’ve been struggling with this summer. And I think I’m getting there, and becoming really comfortable with just being me right now. Developing and strengthening my own life thread, putting life and color into it, and weaving it wherever I want to weave it.